My first attempt at making these apple fritters was an unmitigated disaster.
Thinking "I know dough", I decided to make the dough the night before. I mixed the dough, let it bulk ferment, added the apple filling (a silly concoction that called for a vanilla bean, sparkling cider, and apple cider vinegar. Oh, the hubris!), and retarded the dough overnight.
Easy enough.
Should work just fine, right?
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Nope!
5:30 am: Morning arrives. (Do people regularly wake up this early? Why on earth for?)
I remove the pseudo-risen dough (emphasis on pseudo-) from the refrigerator and turn it out onto a silicone mat. I form 9 fritters (or at least what I think fritters are supposed to look like before they're fried in hot oil).
Inner voice asks, "Why are there 9 fritters on the silicone mat when the recipe says it makes 16 to 20? Surely yours are too big by 2x, yes?"
Self responds, "Zzzzzzzzz. Huh? I dunno. Zzzzzz. I...Want...Apple...Fritter...for...Breakfast! Hurry up or you'll miss your ride to Breckenridge."
I heat the oil to 375 F.
OK, here goes!
A fritter meets its baptism in hot oil.
1 minute later, it's a large, charcoal-looking thing. I know this much: This is not what a successful apple fritter looks like!
I check the oil temperature again and - behold! - it's 410 F.
That explains that.
Into the garbage disposal goes fritter numero uno.
Let's try another at 375 F. No, I really mean 375 F this time!
Plonk goes the fritter into the hot oil.
2 minutes later, all is looking good, if somewhat huge. Look Ma! She's a' floatin' in the oil!
3 minutes later, removed to the cooling rack.
5 minutes later, taste test time.
I crack open a fritter.
Is it a success?
Ha! Ha!
Nope!
It's completely raw inside. It's just sticky, lukewarm dough surrounded by a near-burnt outer layer of greasy _____. It's a thing of great yuck.
Inner voice, "Remember what I said about 16-20 to your 9 ginormous fritters? DO YOU HEAR ME NOW?"
Self responds, "@#$%^&!"
How to Make Apple Rage Cake
Stare angrily at remaining 7 gigantic, raw fritters. Get really mad. (Helps to know you're going to miss your ride to skiing if you don't do something fast with the remaining fritters.) All at once, with one, swift, rage-filled motion, squish all 7 raw fritters together with both hands to form one gigantic apple cake dough blob. Plonk it into the nearest bread pan. Put the bread pan in the oven and turn heat to 550 F. Bake for (oh, however many minutes you have for pre-ski ablutions before your ride arrives–I had ~30). Turn oven off right before rushing out the door. Let cake sit in the oven all day, basking in the residual heat of that ~30 minute 550 F preheat.
Makes 1 Apple Rage Cake.
Even Aunt Lillian would approve. :)